4am Insomnia Road.
Yet again. No sleep. When I say no sleep, I HAVE slept but so disturbed and not in a bad way. It’s like my dreams are a parallel universe in which me and Casey are together. A whole lot of together. Fuck.
I haven’t done a lot. Max came round yesterday to lend me more music cos once again I am piss broke. I tried not to wallow in self pity about Casey, but I did tell him about her. He reckons I should just go round there and maybe she was just having an off day. Lisa is being a bit harsh about the whole thing now that she has decided that I am in love with a spoilt cow who I don’t even know. I am not in love with her. I am in something though. I just don’t know what. It’s like I already know her and we have had a massive blue and now we aren’t talking anymore. I can almost taste the history between us even though realistically and logically we haven’t got anything. It reminds me of a Placebo song:
Love on an atom,
Love on a cloud,
To see the birth of all that isn’t now
Can you imagine a love that is so proud?
It never has to question why or how
So I’d abandon the love in my dreams
When I wake up I’m soaking in my sheets
I am experiencing a part of myself that I never knew existed and being able to emotively involve myself in a love affair with Casey that I feel we had but ‘isn’t now’ because we don’t even know each other. Bizarre. I dream about her and us together; what we do together, talking and listening to music. Painting together, walking in the woods and making out in the clearing. It’s killing me.
Have I know her in a past life?
John Van Auken said:
When soul mates are together, they form a dynamic bond and provide a source of strength for one another that is very hard to find in our world. They may presently be in either sex and interact with each other in any number of relationships. There is a strong tendency to think of soul mates only in the sense of lovers and marriage mates, but they can also be partners, parents, siblings, teammates, friends, etc. Having been lovers and mates in many past lives, it would be very hard for them to avoid at least a romantic interlude in the present life – there would simply be too much magnetism for them to easily ignore each other and the physical attraction. If, on the other hand, they had been close friends or family members throughout their incarnations, they would be inclined toward a similar relationship in the present. The point is, a soul mate is not always a sexual mate.
It’s now late afternoon. I just had a nap and didn’t dream. Thank crap.
This is what happened. I went out early as I needed to clear my head. I took my bike out so I could get further away quicker. Over the fields and far, far away. On the way back, I just happened to find myself near Casey’s so I thought I’d be bold and have a look. I left my bike and crept behind a hedge near her back gate. The hedges are so high cos the previous owners never cut them. I hid and then saw her. I was shocked that she’d be out so early, it was only about 8:00am. I watched her and took in every single detail. She was playing with a real cute puppy and this made it even more heart warming for me.
Ok so. She’s skinny and short. Not my usual type, but I don’t fall for someone cos they aren’t skinny! She’s blonde with that pink streak that blows in her eye every so often and she tries to tuck it behind her ear. It’s too short and comes twanging back. Ha! She was wearing skinny jeans, light grey ones with a Paramore T shirt on. Simple but nice. She didn’t look particularly posh or rich. Grungy. Just how I like it. I love that she doesn’t seem wear makeup plastered all over her face and seems pretty confident of herself. She was laughing and really happy. It was good to see after the mood I’ve seen her in the past couple of times. I watched her for ages.
The dog pulled something off the washing line and she swore quite badly but had an amused look on her face and seemed to praise the dog. She disappeared for ages, I guess she was washing the thing out cos it looked quite rank after she had pulled it out from the dogs paws and mouth. Dirt mixed with spittle haha. I went back home then, I felt like I had invaded her privacy AGAIN. I need to get a frickin grip on myself!
Anyways later on I got back and was eating some sugar puffs in the kitchen when suddenly I saw her again. She stopped this time, right in front of the garden gate, and looked right in at the window at me. I just waved, realising I still had the spoon in my hand and started to laugh at my (moronic) self.
I leaned out of the window and shouted Hi, realising she probably couldn’t hear me right down the garden, so I climbed up on the sink. Yes, the fucking SINK and poked my arms through the open window. What. a. dick.
Then she smiled. Yes. SMILED.
Smiled. Waved. Walked away.
I flew out of the house in my bare feet, across the lawn, tripped over my sodding bike that I’d left there and legged it out of the gate and along the path. I caned it. I have never run so fast in my life. But she had gone. I ran into the woods, nothing. I called her name. Nothing.
I went back home and lay on my bed for hours. Thinking about it, I really should have been watching out for her coming back, but that would mean I am bordering on the obsessive. That would NOT be good.
Something bizarre happened today. Good bizarre.
Mum told us at dinner last night that a new family has moved in to that massive house down from us. I think she wanted us to know because there’s no one for us to hang out with here and weekends are dull as shit on a dark night. Apparently it’s a Doctor, his wife and daughter who is the same age as Lisa. I think Casey is her name, or was it Cassie? Not sure. Anyways, this morning me and Lise were outside on the back lawn just hanging out. She had her piss awful chart music on, dancing around like a banshee and screaming as usual. I was trying to grab the radio to find a better radio station when I noticed this figure approaching the garden. She had a long grey tshirt on with a face on it and as she came closer I noticed it was of Kurt Kobain. I stared at her, trying to work out if it was Casey/Cassie, but she had her head down so I couldn’t see her face to see how old she looked. I mean of course I WAS her. No one else lives around here for miles.
Anyway, she glanced up very briefly. I wanted to wave her over but when I saw her face I froze. Fucking froze. I went dizzy, my eyes went all fuzzy and my body went like jelly. What the hell? She was absolutely stunning. I was lost for words and could hear Lise saying ‘Who was that?’ as she disappeared down the path towards the woods. I felt myself stand up and go to the gate, stepping out onto the path to get a longer look as she became a speck walking into the woods in the distance.
I stood there for a few seconds just saying WOW over and over. I have GOT to meet this grunge girl!
Well, I followed her. I kind of wish I hadn’t now.
I was upstairs listening to some tunes (that Staind album that Max lent me is the shit), staring out the window thinking about what Mum had said about her being an only child and seeming a bit lonely, when I saw her. She was walking past the garden again, head down, hands thrust into her pockets as though she was raging about something. She had a big bag over her shoulder with some paper flapping out the top of it about to get taken in the wind. She looked like she was on a mission, but where to, I didn’t know. Probably into the woods again because there are no other neighbours to befriend around here. That’s when I decided to go find out.
I thought about putting on that cool jacket that Max left here the other day. I mean, I wanted to look cool to meet her, to be dressed at least a touch how I would dress if I had the choice. I wanted to impress her, to be like her. I decided not to. Whatever. She wouldn’t mind what I was wearing if she was as cool as I hoped.
I ran outside, telling myself to ease up and play it cool. Just make out that I happened to be walking in the woods as well. I felt really nervous about the whole thing which is bloody stupid as I’ve never felt shy around girls. I soon picked up her trail as I could see the imprints of her Docs in the mud. No one ever walks down that path except me and Lisa and neither of us have Docs. Worst luck. My battered old converses got well soggy and mashed so I put my feet in the imprints of her boots that gave me like solid stepping stones. When they disappeared into the woods I wiped my boots off in the grass and tried to calm myself before carrying on. (Jesus, what is this?!)
I walked for a while and then I saw her. In my favourite clearing. She was sitting on the ground with her back to a tree, knees up to her chest, earphones in, humming away. She had what looked like a sketchbook in her lap. I couldn’t help it, I started smiling to myself. An artist like me.
I stood just out of her vision for a while and watched her. She had her head back and eyes closed, seeming to be a bit flustered. A deep frown creasing her brow. She was playing with a strand of hair that I hadn’t noticed before. It was bright pink. Suddenly she threw down something she had in her hand and shouted ”Freaking bloody awful” or something like that. I can’t remember her exact words cos I was a bit shocked. I made myself just walk forwards and stood quite near her. I was shitting myself, I won’t lie and had to stop myself fiddling with the coins and keys I had in my pocket. I spoke to her but she didn’t hear. Then one of her earphones dropped out and I crept up nearer to speak again. When I spoke again, her eyes snapped open. She looked absolutely petrified and I started grinning. I couldn’t help it, she looked so cute.
She murmured something but I don’t know what. I didn’t think and spouted something dumbass about thinking she had been talking to me! What the heck man? I have never been like this before, like my brain was puking utter shit. My palms were sweating and I found myself jangling those keys again, so started picking her things up off the floor like the anal tidy freak I am. Idiot. Wrong move! She lept up and started growling about her stuff being private and not to touch anything. She almost fell against me, she was so riled up. I caught a glimpse of her sketchbook cos it had landed in a piece of muck on the grass. I went to retrieve it (and look at what she had drawn) and she went completely ape, shoving things in her bag and snatching the book away from me. The next thing I knew she was almost tripping over herself to run away from me. I stared after her in disbelief for what seemed like decades to me and then shouted after her, telling her who I was and that I lived near her. She turned and glared at me then, saying that she didn’t want to talk to anyone and that I should leave her alone.
Gutted doesn’t even come close to how I felt, standing there like a dick.
Then I shouted something back at her that I am not proud of. No. Some crap about her being rude and that it made no difference to me.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. Nice one Lee.
I sat there, under that tree for about half an hour, hoping she would come back, say sorry and we would talk right there in the clearing I loved so much. It had been my clearing. My place of contemplation and zen. She had been my dream. Casey, with the weird clothes and aura of that certain ‘something’.
It hurts. It hurts fucking bad.
Midnight going on 3am.
I can’t sleep. Fuck.
It was pissing with rain this evening. I had gone to the kitchen to make everyone a cup of tea and I was back up here standing at my bedroom window staring at the rain draining the energy out of the sky. Who should I see? She was pounding those docs of hers against the mud and wet of the path, her hood up against the siling rain. Running doesn’t express the speed she was going. Why? It was a matter of 2 seconds and she was gone. I was so tempted to run after her and ask her if she was ok, but guess what? Yep. Didn’t do it. Instead I just moped around for the rest of the evening. Listened to some Nirvana and read for a while, except trailing off to thoughts of those blue eyes and re-reading the same page about a gazillion times. Those blue eyes, man.