a teenager's journey of self discovery

Past lives

Lee’s Story. Diary entry~June 7th

4am Insomnia Road.

Yet again. No sleep. When I say no sleep, I HAVE slept but so disturbed and not in a bad way. It’s like my dreams are a parallel universe in which me and Casey are together. A whole lot of together. Fuck.

I haven’t done a lot. Max came round yesterday to lend me more music cos once again I am piss broke.  I tried not to wallow in self pity about Casey, but I did tell him about her. He reckons I should just go round there and maybe she was just having an off day.  Lisa is being a bit harsh about the whole thing now that she has decided that I am in love with a spoilt cow who I don’t even know. I am not in love with her. I am in something though. I just don’t know what. It’s like I already know her and we have had a massive blue and now we aren’t talking anymore. I can almost taste the history between us even though realistically and logically we haven’t got anything. It reminds me of a Placebo song:

Love on an atom,
Love on a cloud,
To see the birth of all that isn’t now
Can you imagine a love that is so proud?
It never has to question why or how
So I’d abandon the love in my dreams
When I wake up I’m soaking in my sheets

I am experiencing a part of myself that I never knew existed and being able to emotively involve myself in a love affair with Casey that I feel we had but ‘isn’t now’ because we don’t even know each other. Bizarre. I dream about her and us together; what we do together, talking and listening to music. Painting together, walking in the woods and making out in the clearing. It’s killing me.

Have I know her in a past life?

John Van Auken said:

When soul mates are together, they form a dynamic bond and provide a source of strength for one another that is very hard to find in our world. They may presently be in either sex and interact with each other in any number of relationships. There is a strong tendency to think of soul mates only in the sense of lovers and marriage mates, but they can also be partners, parents, siblings, teammates, friends, etc. Having been lovers and mates in many past lives, it would be very hard for them to avoid at least a romantic interlude in the present life – there would simply be too much magnetism for them to easily ignore each other and the physical attraction. If, on the other hand, they had been close friends or family members throughout their incarnations, they would be inclined toward a similar relationship in the present. The point is, a soul mate is not always a sexual mate.

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‘exposed’

It’s now late afternoon. I just had a nap and didn’t dream. Thank crap.

This is what happened. I went out early as I needed to clear my head. I took my bike out so I could get further away quicker. Over the fields and far, far away. On the way back, I just happened to find myself near Casey’s so I thought I’d be bold and have a look. I left my bike and crept behind a hedge near her back gate. The hedges are so high cos the previous owners never cut them. I hid and then saw her. I was shocked that she’d be out so early, it was only about 8:00am. I watched her and took in every single detail. She was playing with a real cute puppy and this made it even more heart warming for me.

Ok so. She’s skinny and short. Not my usual type, but I don’t fall for someone cos they aren’t skinny! She’s blonde with that pink streak that blows in her eye every so often and she tries to tuck it behind her ear. It’s too short and comes twanging back. Ha! She was wearing skinny jeans, light grey ones with a Paramore T shirt on. Simple but nice. She didn’t look particularly posh or rich. Grungy. Just how I like it. I love that she doesn’t seem wear makeup plastered all over her face and seems pretty confident of herself. She was laughing and really happy. It was good to see after the mood I’ve seen her in the past couple of times. I watched her for ages.

The dog pulled something off the washing line and she swore quite badly but had an amused look on her face and seemed to praise the dog. She disappeared for ages, I guess she was washing the thing out cos it looked quite rank after she had pulled it out from the dogs paws and mouth. Dirt mixed with spittle haha. I went back home then, I felt like I had invaded her privacy AGAIN. I need to get a frickin grip on myself!

Anyways later on I got back and was eating some sugar puffs in the kitchen when suddenly I saw her again. She stopped this time, right in front of the garden gate, and looked right in at the window at me. I just waved, realising I still had the spoon in my hand and started to laugh at my (moronic) self.

I leaned out of the window and shouted Hi, realising she probably couldn’t hear me right down the garden, so I climbed up on the sink. Yes, the fucking SINK and poked my arms through the open window. What. a. dick.

Then she smiled. Yes. SMILED.

Smiled. Waved. Walked away.

I flew out of the house in my bare feet, across the lawn, tripped over my sodding bike that I’d left there and legged it out of the gate and along the path. I caned it. I have never run so fast in my life. But she had gone. I ran into the woods, nothing. I called her name. Nothing.

I went back home and lay on my bed for hours. Thinking about it, I really should have been watching out for her coming back, but that would mean I am bordering on the obsessive. That would NOT be good.

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