a teenager's journey of self discovery

Lee’s Story. Diary entry~June 5th

Well, I followed her. I kind of wish I hadn’t now.

I was upstairs listening to some tunes (that Staind album that Max lent me is the shit), staring out the window thinking about what Mum had said about her being an only child and seeming a bit lonely, when I saw her. She was walking past the garden again, head down, hands thrust into her pockets as though she was raging about something. She had a big bag over her shoulder with some paper flapping out the top of it about to get taken in the wind. She looked like she was on a mission, but where to, I didn’t know. Probably into the woods again because there are no other neighbours to befriend around here. That’s when I decided to go find out.

I thought about putting on that cool jacket that Max left here the other day. I mean, I wanted to look cool to meet her, to be dressed at least a touch how I would dress if I had the choice. I wanted to impress her, to be like her. I decided not to. Whatever. She wouldn’t mind what I was wearing if she was as cool as I hoped.

I ran outside, telling myself to ease up and play it cool. Just make out that I happened to be walking in the woods as well. I felt really nervous about the whole thing which is bloody stupid as I’ve never felt shy around girls. I soon picked up her trail as I could see the imprints of her Docs in the mud. No one ever walks down that path except me and Lisa and neither of us have Docs. Worst luck. My battered old converses got well soggy and mashed so I put my feet in the imprints of her boots that gave me like solid stepping stones. When they disappeared into the woods I wiped my boots off in the grass and tried to calm myself before carrying on. (Jesus, what is this?!)

I walked for a while and then I saw her. In my favourite clearing. She was sitting on the ground with her back to a tree, knees up to her chest, earphones in, humming away. She had what looked like a sketchbook in her lap. I couldn’t help it, I started smiling to myself. An artist like me.

I stood just out of her vision for a while and watched her. She had her head back and eyes closed, seeming to be a bit flustered. A deep frown creasing her brow. She was playing with a strand of hair that I hadn’t noticed before. It was bright pink. Suddenly she threw down something she had in her hand and shouted ”Freaking bloody awful” or something like that. I can’t remember her exact words cos I was a bit shocked. I made myself just walk forwards and stood quite near her. I was shitting myself, I won’t lie and had to stop myself fiddling with the coins and keys I had in my pocket. I spoke to her but she didn’t hear. Then one of her earphones dropped out and I crept up nearer to speak again. When I spoke again, her eyes snapped open. She looked absolutely petrified and I started grinning. I couldn’t help it, she looked so cute.

She murmured something but I don’t know what. I didn’t think and spouted something dumbass about thinking she had been talking to me! What the heck man? I have never been like this before, like my brain was puking utter shit. My palms were sweating and I found myself jangling those keys again, so started picking her things up off the floor like the anal tidy freak I am. Idiot. Wrong move! She lept up and started growling about her stuff being private and not to touch anything. She almost fell against me, she was so riled up. I caught a glimpse of her sketchbook cos it had landed in a piece of muck on the grass. I went to retrieve it (and look at what she had drawn) and she went completely ape, shoving things in her bag and snatching the book away from me. The next thing I knew she was almost tripping over herself to run away from me. I stared after her in disbelief for what seemed like decades to me and then shouted after her, telling her who I was and that I lived near her. She turned and glared at me then, saying that she didn’t want to talk to anyone and that I should leave her alone.

Gutted doesn’t even come close to how I felt, standing there like a dick.

Then I shouted something back at her that I am not proud of. No. Some crap about her being rude and that it made no difference to me.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. Nice one Lee.

I sat there, under that tree for about half an hour, hoping she would come back, say sorry and we would talk right there in the clearing I loved so much. It had been my clearing. My place of contemplation and zen. She had been my dream. Casey, with the weird clothes and aura of that certain ‘something’.

It hurts. It hurts fucking bad.

104033-Forgive+yourself+for+allowing+

Midnight going on 3am.

I can’t sleep. Fuck.

It was pissing with rain this evening. I had gone to the kitchen to make everyone a cup of tea and I was back up here standing at my bedroom window staring at the rain draining the energy out of the sky. Who should I see? She was pounding those docs of hers against the mud and wet of the path, her hood up against the siling rain. Running doesn’t express the speed she was going. Why? It was a matter of 2 seconds and she was gone. I was so tempted to run after her and ask her if she was ok, but guess what? Yep. Didn’t do it. Instead I just moped around for the rest of the evening. Listened to some Nirvana and read for a while, except trailing off to thoughts of those blue eyes and re-reading the same page about a gazillion times. Those blue eyes, man.

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